Denial: Did You Deny the Truth Today?

Written by: Cathy Shuba

When I drank, I denied me. When I drank, I denied the dependency I had on Alcohol and other substances in order to deal with me and others in my life. When I drank, I denied the truth of my present and future life. When I drank, I lived in denial. I denied the truth, I was denial!

I have been sober for 20 years and denial is always or should I say trying to re-enter or test my endless commitment of accountability and responsibility, I try live and practice in my life today. What do I mean by this? Whenever someone confronts me of my wrongdoing I know I have a choice to admit, say I am sorry or turn the other cheek by working that good old character defect of manipulation and blame I once used as a toxic tool to use in order to guard my fears, shame and guilt. I choose to admit, no matter how hard it is I choose to admit! Whenever someone tells me the truth in the matter, I know I have a choice to deal with it or keep sweeping the truth under the carpet. I choose to deal with it regardless of how painful it is how many tears I may have to shed. Whenever I see what I should be seeing, I have a choice in the matter as to whether I walk through it or run from it. I choose to walk through it and allow my fear to let go instead of holding on to my fear with control that will later hurt me more. I choose not to hurt my spirit any longer and realize that denial has kept me in a prison from the reality of who I truly could be or can be today—whole! Knowing is key in learning that I have choices in order to deal with denial. When knowing denial is a choice rather than used as a security blanket I will grow with many choices in life and I will no longer feel stuck in my own fear.  Awareness is seeing what the problem, challenge or uncomfortable feelings I may have and choosing not to deny them rather deal with it in order to allow myself to have more courage and less fear the next time I have to deal with another situation.  Mindfulness deflates denial by giving me the power, strength, and courage in order to gain more self-confidence, self-esteem and ability not to destroy my spirit rather live with my spirit so I can feel love for others and myself.

On the other hand, do not get me wrong it took me a long time to understand denial. I took me a long time to admit I lived in denial. It took me even longer to learn how to deal and workout the denial issues I always seemed to continue to practice until I came to a realization that denial no longer worked in my life and that choosing to work on it was much more beneficial and productive. In realizing and working on my denial, I still today must always be aware, mindful and know that denial can always find its way back into my life if I allow it too. I choose to see things for what they are and if I do not I will be guaranteed to feel the consequences later rather it is through a feeling or confrontation. Today, I know I have choices and no longer need to deny those choices in order to live a more wholesome life. What is your choice today—denial or truth?

Today, I did Pilates and practiced the constant flow of movement I must practice inside in order to avoid the terrible feelings I get when I deny things in my life. There is no movement in my soul when I choose denial. I will not deny the truth today!

Recovery: I Will Share My Day with You!

Written by:  Cathy Shuba

Today I woke and smiled.  I thought I would share my day with you.  Today I have 20 years sobriety, happiness, freedom and mostly love for myself and for who I am and what I share with the people in my life.  I thought I would share my day with all of you and the pure example I am to all that with willingness, hope and faith,…sobriety can be a reality.  I have worked hard, I still work hard, I still have good and bad days but I am still sober, happy and free.  Can you say that?  Do you feel that?  If not, take comfort that if serious enough about your recovery and what you want from your recovery you can be sober, happy and free!

Most of you who are close to me know that I am not one to tell others of my sobriety date let alone write about it as I am today.  So why did I write about it today?  Humility has given me 20 years.  Would you still consider me humble by writing this today?  Probably not, but sometimes sharing things of accomplishment is not always about ego, pride and bragging ways.  I share this today through gratitude and with that, I must say my honesty has given me 20 years.  Facing my fears, self-doubts, failures and people’s criticism gave me 20 years.  Choosing my destiny, not people pleasing or enabling gave me 20 years.  Saying thank you, smiling at a person and sharing my kindness and love with a stranger, friend or family member gave me 20 years.  Choosing not to be in denial and learning to have compassion when others around me were rude, mean, angry, and resentful and down right jealous gave me 20 years.  My attitude gave me 20 years.  My awareness and constant mindfulness gave me 20 years.  Forgiving myself in order to love others gave me 20 years.  The list could go on why and how I have 20 years but the motive behind sharing this today is to thank so many loyal and wonderful readers of my Sobriety Fitness site that come, read, learn, and even share my message of hope and love to others.  Sharing my 20 years with others today may hopefully give hope, inspiration or even motivation to someone who is struggling with an addiction.  Still, I am not one to think I would ever cure let alone save someone.  That is clearly up to one’s own choice.  I am not powerful.  I am someone who chose to become sober, get help, continued to get help and still do which allows me to grow.

When I look back at this past year, I have accomplished and grown so much in my recovered life.  For instance, I have become a Recovery Coach after 20 years and look forward to be available to help others reach their potential in their recovery as I have in mine and continue to grow.  I wrote a book had it published for all who want to buy it and learn more about how I achieved the recovery I have toady.  I have met so many wonderful people, shared with so many and love the fact that I cannot wait to learn more and meet more people in my life.  Recovery is more than recovering; it is a journey with MORE avenues in it!

Today, I ran with so many wonderful ways I learned how to stay sober, live sober and have a happier sobriety in my life.  To me having MORE in my sobriety is so freeing!  Do you feel free in your recovery?  What has sobriety taught you so far in your life?

Change: I Am Still Sober, Happy and Free!

Written by:  Cathy Shuba

It has been a month since my last blog and I have to say that is the longest time I have gone without writing in my blog.  Has anyone out there missed my blog posts?  I wonder.  Moving on, things have been going on in my life and family that caused me to be unable to put as much attention on my blog.  I am still sober.  I am still alive.  I am still happy.  I am still here.  I am still free!  Unbelievably, I am still working on me in order to be a better me.  I am still sober!  I am still sober!

Amazing how many years and times I was told in the past and probably by some after reading this,…lol!…that if I didn’t do this or didn’t do that I would end up drinking again.  I am still sober!  If I did not attend so many meetings in a week or month, I would drink again.  I am still sober!  If I did not reach out, help someone else, do this do that I would drink again.  I am still sober!  I no longer believe in the things I was once brain washed to believe.  I have changed!  I am free!  I am sober!

What is my point?  What is the motive behind me writing this today?  Well, there are many and I only have so much room and time to write this so I will sum it up in so many words.  I posted a quote today on Facebook and Twitter and if you were connected to me on those social media sites, you would have seen and read my quote.  What was my quote?  The quote I posted was about accepting change when change is ready and willing.  There I said it!  That sums me all up about how I have worked that into my recovery today and everyday from Alcoholism.  In other words, I was ready for change and willing to change and no one was going to feed there ego and say they got me sober or this program of recovery saved me.  No one or no program saves anyone!  That is unrealistic thinking in my opinion.  I am sober, happy and free today because I chose that in my life.  Yes, I had guidance.  Yes, I wanted guidance but the end result was what I put into it and what kind of a person I wanted to be in my recovery.  Change is only possible if one is willing.  Change is only possible if one wants it enough, has pain enough and has had it enough.  I was all of that.  I was ready for change.  I was willing to change.  I wanted to share my story of how I got that change in my new book “Drunk to Sober Running in a New Direction!”   However, I am not going to shove it down everyone’s throat to buy it.  If someone wants what I got or wants to read it then they will buy it.  However, you are not going to see me plastering it all over Facebook and Twitter.  I had no intention when writing my book to change anyone and think I would when writing it.  My book is about my changes and what did and did not work for me.  If it does help someone then that person has only decided to change for themselves.  It wasn’t me who did it for them.

Today, I wrote about change and the importance it is in someone’s life in order to see change, be the change and have the change.  Are you willing to have change, be the change and create the change in your life?  Are you willing enough to get there in your life?  The fact and truth of it all is that you are the only one who can choose that no one or recovery program can bring you to change except for yourself.

Today, I ran and thought about the changes I have made in my life since I first became sober 20 years ago.  Well, it will be 20 years April 3, 2013.  Change is never ending in my life and look forward to change instead of resisting it or running from it like I once did when I was drinking.  I am still Happy, Sober and Free!

Choices: What is Wrong with You?

Written By: Cathy Shuba

I walked into a room and smiled at someone I do not know and their reply was to look the other way. I want to say, “What is wrong with you?” I say hello to a stranger walking down the street and their reply was to walk by me as if they never heard me. I want to say, “What is wrong with you?” I ask a question about something I do not understand or need help with and their response is, “Beats me, figure it out for yourself.” I want to say, “What is wrong with you?” Have any of you experience this type of communication?

Then you have the people who you hardly know meet you for five minutes and they for some reason know everything about you as they tell you how to act, how to live, what is wrong with you and how you should change. I want to say, “What is wrong with you?” Perhaps you know someone for a longer time but not long enough and from out of the blue, the person gives his or her opinion, advice or suggestion to you that is harsh, hurtful and down right out of line for no reason. I want to say, “What is wrong with you?” Your having a conversation with someone who is not being direct with you but actually messing with your mind and your feelings and then out of nowhere tells you how wrong or messed up you are when in the first place they should have just said in the first place without playing head games. I want to say, “What is wrong with you?” I have experienced friends that I was not sure they were friends because there was always that dig they made, that insult they said or that passive aggressive behavior they always showed me—I later learned that people like this are not real friends but hostage takers. I want to say, “What is wrong with you?” Have any of you experience this type of communication?

The lessons I have learned throughout my difficulties is not to take it personally.  I do know what is wrong with people who talk or act unacceptable with me or others.  There was a time in my life when I would ask myself what was wrong with people but today I know much more about what turns others on and to act so unruly.  I know I have choices and that is to either engage in it or learn from it.  I choose to learn from it.  So many times, I took it personally and lost the point, lesson and mostly how wrongly I reacted because my ego got in the way. However, I do know when someone is mean, self-righteous and down right vicious but I still can learn from what people are saying to me. I know that I have choices and with that gives me the freedom to make my choice in the matter. I can continue to be friends, socialize and surround myself with toxic people or choose to learn from how people can really be and become a better mannered person. Become a nicer person. Become a compassionate person. Become a loving person all because I chose to learn from others who cannot be this way with others. I know by seeing that type of behavior I do not want to treat others that way because that behavior once hurt me.

I know that most people who do portray unacceptable behaviors with others do not know any better, where not taught any better or chose not to be a better person. They chose to stay the way they are because it made them feel better to make some one hurt, feel less than or just rotten. I do not want to live like that and so I choose today to learn from others that cannot be nice. I can choose to take what I learn from him or her and leave the rest alone with no other contact or relationship. This communication allows me to have a better me and I think that is fabulous!

I chose to run today and think about all the healthier choices I have made in my life since my priority was to become a better person.